Use your voice and your power to transform it from “something-that’s-making-this-wedding weird” into “this-is-fine-and-we’re-in-it-together.” The wedding officiant has the power – with just a few words – to make guests feel relief and even joy.Īre the guests all spaced out from one another? Are they wearing masks? Can they not shake hands or hug? Talk about it right off the top. Our authority at the wedding uniquely positions us to defuse and deflate any tension and discomfort. ![]() “Can you believe that just happened during a wedding?” It becomes all anyone can think about.Īddressing the discomfort head-on disarms it and makes it better. In fact, that makes it worse by scandalizing it. In a public setting when one person has the floor, it’s not helpful to avoid what’s making everyone uncomfortable. It’s important that wedding officiants not go to the social default position of “don’t talk about it.” We don’t want to behave the way we’ve been socially conditioned and “not draw attention to it.” Don’t downplay how much control you have and how you can affect how guests are feeling. You’re in charge of this thing, and everyone is looking at you. Even if you don’t quite feel that way, you are. In fact, you’re the authority at the ceremony. And you’re not another hapless passenger on the subway. When you’re a wedding officiant, you’re not your pre-adolescent self at the family dinner table. Use Your Authority to Relieve the Discomfort Address the discomfort of safety measures head-on.ĬOVID measures got us down? Say so. If this is true about weather conditions, it’s true about COVID. ‘Terrifying storm clouds moving in? Say so. ![]() I’ve seen it a hundred times.Įveryone’s too hot? Say so. The demeanour of the guests changes from tense to tough. Now it’s an adventure we’re experiencing. Talking about the threat disarms the threat. Are you ready for Ken and Sam to get hitched?” “Here we are freezing in the middle of a vineyard in October. Are you ready for Jen and Sarah to get hitched?” “Here we are baking in the summer sun on the 18th fairway with not a shred of shade in sight. When you name the thing, it’s no longer “out there.” It’s something we’re taking on as a team for this couple we love. Whenever you, the wedding officiant, address the discomfort wedding guests are feeling, something magical happens: you relieve the discomfort. It always goes over huge, with everyone answering and laughing back. Or if it’s frigid out and everyone’s teeth are chattering, you jokingly say, “Does anyone here wish that Jen and Sarah decided to get married in July?” “Sure do!” they’ll shout back. That means if it’s a scorching hot day, you say with a smile, “Is it warm enough for everyone out there?” “We sure are!” they’ll reply. Pointing out the discomfort instantly makes it better. Here’s a crucial lesson I’ve learned after officiating hundreds of weddings: if the guests are uncomfortable about something, talk about it. You start the ceremony by going to the front and playfully warming them up and getting them on your side with your opening remarks. In my online course, I teach that wedding officiants want to have a moment with the guests before the ceremony starts. Don’t draw attention to it, right? Make your opening remarks and get on with the ceremony as though everything is totally normal, right?Īfter all, won’t saying something about it make it even weirder?Īctually, no. ![]() ![]() So it feels natural: as the wedding officiant, you want to pretend this isn’t happening. We will just get past this when it ends and move on. Don’t draw attention to what everyone is gawking at. We’ve been socially conditioned for years and in every setting: don’t say anything. The professor frowns wordlessly, then moves on while everyone else stifles their laughter. A student drops his pencil case and sixty-seven HB #2’s cascade down the stairs in the silence. All the other passengers avert their eyes and pray (ironically) for the next stop to come quickly. Someone shuffles onto the train, shouting at no one in particular and hawking pamphlets about the end of the world. We learn to act like this on the subway, too. Or there are polite attempts to change the subject without drawing Aunt Marg’s ire. Everyone drops their eyes and just waits for it to end. Aunt Marg is ranting against the government again during Thanksgiving Dinner. We learn this growing up in our families where it’s taboo to discuss the elephant in the room. Then we can move forward as if nothing happened.” Fewer people will notice if you don’t draw attention to it.
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